The First Ever Diary of a Wimpy Kid Movie Parody: Film 1
by yoneld
Summary: Because nobody has done it yet. Includes lots of Patty Farrell-bashing, WAAAAAY too many references to my own life, and HOW THE HECK AM I SUPPOSED TO HATE MANNY WHEN HE'S SO ADORABLE. In the style of iheartmwpp's Harry Potter parodies.
1. Teh FINALLY AN ORIGINAL PRANK

_A/N: Hello there! I decided to take a short break from my Phineas and Ferb/Harry Potter crossover for this. I really wanted to do this for a long time. Don't worry, I'm still going to do the crossover. From now on, I'm updating each fic every other week. For example, this week I'll start this thing, next week I'll update the crossover, and the week after that I'll update this again. So! This is my second movie parody, so it might be even better than my Harry Potter parody._

_Just so you know, this fic is not going to have too much commenting on the acting, because it tops Harry Potter by so much. And no, I'm not going to give Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone a break. Daniel Radcliffe and Zachary Gordon were the same age when they started each series. Heck, even Connor and Owen were slightly better. But that's just because they were offered candy. You know how it works - a three-year-old would do anything for candy. And they've managed to make Manny spoiled yet adorable at the same time. HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO HATE HIM WHEN HE'S SO ADORABLE. So yeah, I'm not going to bash the actors so much. *pauses to think about it* Well, maybe Andrew McNee (Coach Malone), but other than him, the acting is fantastic. You know, on the movie level, it is a whole lot better than Harry Potter. Yes, I did just say that._

_Disclaimer_: I do not own the film/book _Diary of a Wimpy Kid_ or any other film/book in the series, or _Harry Potter_.

~We now present you… commercials~

**20****th**** Century Fox Logo**: I AM AS MUCH MORE LOUD AND ANNOYING THAN THE WB LOGO AS EVER.

**Celebrating 75 Years logo**: 20TH CENTURY FOX STARTED IN 1935. JSYK. *becomes a Diary of a Wimpy Kid-style drawing*

**Diary**: Why yes, I am Diary of a Wimpy Kid.

**Celebrating 75 Years logo**: Do I look like a wimpy kid to you?

**Diary**: Fine, I'm Diary of a Film Company. Also, it's September.

**Darryl F. Zanuck**: Yeah, it's 1934. I think we should merge our company with Fox. It -

**Diary**: Look, I may have the 20th Century Fox Celebrating 75 Years logo on my cover, but I'm still Diary of a Wimpy Kid. Also, shouldn't it be mid-August? Because most public schools in America start in late August, not mid-September.

**Rodrick**: Yeah, I don't care. Imma pull an entirely original prank now. At least our filmmakers can keep people as ginomongous jerks, and not just as typical bullies.

**Sirius Black and James Potter**: Don't blame us, blame Steve Kloves!

**Rodrick**: Sure. And for those of you who haven't read yoneld's Harry Potter parody, ginomongous is a combination of ginormous and humongous.

**Parody readers**: The prank?

**Rodrick**: Oh yes, the prank. Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Zachary Gordon, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Wimpy Kid, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg -

**Greg**: I can't hear you, I'm sleeping.

**Rodrick**: Oh, screw it. GREG!

**Harry Potter fans**: Yay! This movie will actually be canon, if the beginning is any indication!

**Filmmakers**: LOLOLOLOLOLOL.

**Greg**: The heck is going on?

**Rodrick**: School!

**Greg**: But it's mid-August!

**Rodrick**: So why have Mom and Dad been calling you for an hour?

**Greg**: I couldn't hear them, I was sleeping.

**Rodrick**: Whatever, you're still gonna be late. And just when you're starting middle school, too…

**Greg**: Huh? *looks over at alarm clock*

**Alarm clock**: Sorry about that, Greg, but Rodrick made me say it's eight o'clock.

**Greg**: Oh, okay then - wait, what?

**Rodrick**: NOTHING! *glares at the alarm clock*

**Soundtrack**: Let me now trick the movie watchers by making them think it really is morning.

**Book readers**: Wait, that's not right… we saw right through Rodrick in the book!

**Greg**: Okay… so why was I still sleeping?

**yoneld**: Looks like the filmmakers have decided to keep Greg's extreme naivety in. I can't believe he even fell for it in this version, and so much more with the book version. I mean, seriously, even RODRICK couldn't sleep through the entire summer. He was kind of obvious about it. And in this version, there is no way he would have gone to sleep late on the night before school started. I remember waking up earlier than I was supposed to on the first day of school, especially when it was a new school.

**Greg**: I know, right? It's ridiculous – wait, what?

**Rodrick**: Hello? I'm, like, still here and stuff?

**Greg**: So why _was_ I sleeping?

**Rodrick**: Because you didn't listen to Mom and Dad and played your DSi until late or something like that.

**Greg**: Do I even have a DSi?

**Rodrick**: Book Three seems to be hinting at that. Anyways, Mom figured that out, and she's about to implode. She told me to get you while she conveniently waits in the car so that you don't see she's still sleeping. Now move it, idiot!

**Greg**: Whoa, okay, calm down, man – wait, what?

**Rodrick**: Move it!

**Greg**: But I just heard you say that Mom is –

**Rodrick**: YOU HEARD NOTHING!

**Greg**: Okay, I don't have time to get dressed here! I have to get dressed while I'm eating and getting my schoolbag ready, because that always works so well! Also, notice how I conveniently forgot to look at the window.

~And now we cut to the kitchen. When are they going to start using decent transitions?~

**Greg**: Hmm, what should I wear while going downstairs… I could just put on the shirt, because putting on pants while walking is extremely difficult, but that would actually be sensible, and we can't have that, can we? *puts on his pants*

**yoneld**: Not even in the book.

**Book!Greg**: *would never walk around with his shirt off unless it's at a swimming pool or something or pour breakfast cereal or milk directly into his mouth from the container*

**Movie!Greg**: *waits until he's in the kitchen to put his shirt on and pours breakfast cereal and milk directly into his mouth from the container*

**Book readers**: *implode*

**Filmmakers**: HE'S IN A BIG RUSH!

**Greg**: I appear to be great at non-canonically multitasking. Let me now non-canonically pour milk directly into my mouth while getting my school bag. *non-canonically pours milk directly into his mouth while getting his school bag*

**Filmmakers**: It's all about the ru-

**Audience**: OMG WE KNOW THE RUSH ALREADY!

**Greg**: And now I'll shove sugar into my mouth while checking my hair. *shoves sugar into his mouth while checking his hair*

**yoneld's sisters**: *laugh particularly hard at that one*

**Greg**: NO MORE MULTITASKING! *ties his shoelace without multitasking*

**Chair**: Yeah no.

**Frank**: I WILL BASH YOUR BRAIN OUT WITH THIS PLASTIC BROOM!

**Greg**: Whoa, calm down, Dad!

**Frank**: Oh, it's you. The heck are you doing? And how did I get here so fast?

**Greg**: Maybe you just heard the other noises and got here just now.

**Frank**: I still don't know what the heck you're doing.

**Greg**: I thought you've been calling me for an hour! I was getting ready for - *finally looks at the window*

**Owl**: Me sorprende que no he inspirado las cruces de Harry Potter. Además, no me preguntes por qué estoy hablando en español. *glares at yoneld*

**yoneld**: What? I had to make you speak some language!

**Frank**: *there is no way I can top that line* School doesn't start in two weeks! And FYI, school doesn't start at four o'clock in the morning! Now, you woke up your baby brother, and if he doesn't go back to sleep –

**yoneld**: Trust me, babies sleep through everything.

**Frank**: We're talking about toddlers?

**yoneld**: Oh. I don't know, then.

**Susan and Manny**: TIMING!

**Book readers**: Okay… not exactly what we were imagining for Manny, but then again, I don't think you can find anyone who looks like Manny.

**Frank**: Hi, guys!

**Susan**: Good luck trying to get him back to sleep. I wanted to sleep till six.

**Manny**: BUBBY!

**Audience**: D'aww…

**Susan**: Greg, what are you doing up making all this racket?

**Greg**: I think it may have been Rodrick. I mean, I specifically remember setting my alarm clock to the right time, so he must have changed my clock, and I know for a fact he woke me up! Also, I appear to be confused.

~And of course Rodrick is faking sleeping~

**Frank**: Changed your clock, my foot.

**Greg**: But I swear –

**Susan**: I don't want to hear it.

**Greg**: But –

**Susan**: Just do what I'm about to do: get out of here! *gets out of here with Manny*

**Frank**: *sniffs the air* Even I, with my dog-like sense of smell, cannot find the source of this horrible smell. *also gets out of here*

**Rodrick**: *smiles* Oh, it's totally me.

**Greg**: The smell or the changing my clock?

**Rodrick**: Both.

**Greg**: You're a big jerk, you know that?

**Rodrick**: Why thank you. *turns into paper*

**Greg**: What am I going to do with this guy? *also turns into paper*

~And the title sequence begins. Pay close attention, we're going to have the same title sequence format in the next movies, too~

_A/N: I finally got my desktop fixed, so that's a relief. Next week I'll do the Phineas and Ferb/Harry Potter crossover, so the next update will be in two weeks._

_**Review or you will start speaking in random languages for no particular reason.**_


	2. Teh YAY REPETITIVE INTRODUCTIONS!

_A/N: You know, everything that is related to B'ne Aqiva should come with a sign: "Prolonged exposure to B'ne Aqiva can permanently damage your sanity". Seriously, the march thingy we're doing is driving me crazy. It's all military-like and it kills feet. It's so military-like that if someone messes up slightly, either they have to do 84,962,700,859,672,890,576,284,592,405 push-ups or everyone has to kneel on one knee without that knee touching the ground. IT HURTS LIKE HECK. AND IT KILLS KNEES. Well, it's not that bad for me, because the people who are in charge seem to have taken a liking to me. I haven't had to do a single push-up yet and with the kneel thing, I only have to kneel for a few seconds and my knee can touch the ground, and then they let me sit down. Well, at least someone's got their priorities straight. OK, you want some funny made funnier, have some funny made funnier._

_Disclaimer_: I do not own the film/book _Diary of a Wimpy Kid_ or any other film/book in the series, _Harry Potter_, _Phineas and Ferb_, or _Artemis Fowl_.

~And the title sequence begins. At least this thing has a title sequence, unlike the Harry Potter movies~

**Greg**: I'm just sighing, nothing to see here.

~Page 21~

**Manny**: BUBBY!

**Greg**: That's my door! And that's not me, that's him, according to the book!

**yoneld**: Oh sure. Now I can hate him, but in actual movie scenes…

**Frank and Susan**: D'aww!

**FOX 2000 PICTURES**: *presents*

**yoneld**: Presents? Where?

**FOX 2000 PICTURES**: THIS MOVIE!

**yoneld**: Huh, didn't remember the titles in the book. Or that drawing being there.

**Greg**: I DON'T CARE. *slaps Rowley in the face*

**Rowley**: OW MY NOSE.

**Greg**: THIS IS SUCH A GREAT PRANK. I AM SUCH A GREAT FRIEND.

~Page 38~

**FOX 2000 PICTURES**: THIS IS THE PRESENT!

**yoneld**: You call a COLOR FORCE production, a present?

**FOX 2000 PICTURES**: YOU SHOULD BE GRATEFUL YOU EVEN GOT ONE.

**yoneld**: Hey, it's cool, I didn't really need a present right now, I just thought it would be cool to get one. Next page…

**Greg**: I will kick your truck!

**Manny**: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

**Frank**: I WILL BASH YOUR BRAINS OUT WITH THIS BRICK!

**Greg**: I should've known this would be a bad time to screw up.

~Page 22~

**Everyone**: HAPPY NON-SPECIFIC BIRTHDAY!

**Random kid #482**: There seems to be a present for Bubby. At your birthday party. This must mean that you are Bubby! OH MY GOD I AM SO INTELLIGENT.

**Greg**: Actually, that's a mistake. It's for the next-door neighbor.

**Random kid #482**: FORGET WHAT I SAID ABOUT BEING INTELLIGENT. NEXT PAGE.

**Manny**: Hmm, what to do wiv left-ovow food… eat it? No, I wood get extwemely stuffed. Oh, I know! I shood thwow it in the potty! *thwows it in the potty and fails miserably* And now I'm a faiwing faiwure made of faiw. HOW WIW I GET ANYWHEW IN WIFE? WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

~Page 60~

**Greg**: Hey, this is actually not a bad show – OMG FLAMETHROWER. IN A SHOW ROWLEY'S OVERLY FUSSY PARENTS LET HIM, AN ELEVEN-YEAR-OLD, WATCH.

**Rowley**: I know, right? And it's rated PG!

~Back to page 38~

**Greg**: I think I'm like, eight or nine in this drawing. I was already extremely naïve back then. Also, YAY DAD CALLED ME A FRIEND!

~Page 30~

**Rodrick**: I totally fail at spelling.

~Page 57~

**Greg and Rowley**: WE WILL BASH YOUR BRAINS OUT WITH THESE SCREAMS.

**Random little kid #847**: I hate the lack of continuity in this thing. You should be ranting about Fregley.

~Page 17~

**Greg**: DAD! TRYING TO SLEEP HERE!

**Frank**: BUT YOU SHOULD BE TALKING ABOUT YOUR HAUNTED HOUSE!

~Page 11~

**Movie watchers**: So this is how it really happened?

**Book readers**: Yeah, but we don't remember Greg and Rowley's headphone game being there. And anyways, Greg should be talking about Rodrick's secrets to success.

~Page 15~

**Rodrick**: Okay, it's official. This title sequence has no continuity at all. Greg should be talking about the Cheese Touch.

**Frank**: Well, at least your underwear is not on the table.

**Rodrick**: That's true.

~INTRO!1111111111111111(%^$^85798935946598678^*(%*%*&3495Q7457PIZZA3957~

**Diary**: I AM A DIARY, NOT A JOURNAL.

**Of a Wimpy Kid**: Don't forget you're the DIARY of a Wimpy Kid.

**Rodrick**: MOM! Greg is making a title sequence!

**Greg**: HAND!

**Of a Wimpy Kid**: NO! DON'T PICK UP THE DIARY!

**Greg**: *picks up the diary*

**Of a Wimpy Kid**: I NEVER SAW BELARUS!

**Greg**: I DON'T CARE. So let me get something straight. I AM OBVIOUSLY SHOOTING IN FRONT OF A GREEN SCREEN. Also, this is a JOURNAL, not a diary. And notice how I point at it.

**Diary**: Actually, I'm a diary, not a journal.

**Greg**: O RLY?

**Diary**: YAH RLY.

**Greg**: *looks at the cover* Guess you're right. Well, as Supreme Lord of the English Language, I declare that the word _diary_'s pronunciation is hereby changed from _diary_ to _journal_.

**Diary**: THE SPELLING RULES OF ENGLISH DO NOT WORK LIKE THAT!

**Greg**: Do you even know the spelling rules of English?

**Diary**: Um… no.

**Greg**: Well, THERE ARE NONE. I can do whatever I want!

**Diary**: This coming from the guy who couldn't spell "acquaintance" at age 12, while some French teenager could.

**Greg**: You know you're really starting to annoy me.

**Diary**: Fine! I'll tell Rodrick that he doesn't have to scrub the toilet on Saturdays anymore.

**Greg**: Where'd you get that from?

**Diary**: The original version of me.

**Greg**: I hate my life.

**Pete, Wade, and Carter**: We can happily help you there.

**Greg**: On second thought…

**Diary**: Hem, hem.

**yoneld**: AAAAAAAAAAH! UMBRIDGE!1&*%#$%&SANDWICH#*(%^ ~4

**Greg**: Oh, right. So yeah, I know it says _diary_, but as they say, don't judge a book by its cover. It's still a journal.

**Diary**: I hate my life.

**Greg**: You will sell billions of copies when I'm done with you.

**Diary**: I love my life!

**Greg**: You're still a journal.

**Book!Greg**: But when Mom went out to buy this thing, I SPECIFICALLY told her to get one that didn't say "diary" on it.

**Movie!Greg**: But when Mom went out to buy thing, I specifically TOLD her, not to get one that said "diary" on it.

**yoneld**: Seriously, what is wrong with his inflection?

**Greg**: Well, that shows two things. One: Mom has a horrible memory.

**yoneld**: Hey, I've got an even worse memory.

**Greg**: Two: Mom has no idea about kids my age. Let me show you an example:

~And now Greg is paper again~

**Random bully #746**: I am instantly judging a book by its cover. *punches Greg in the gut*

**Greg**: It's cool, I didn't need that diaphragm anyways.

**yoneld**: Why am I suddenly reminded of my own school experience?

~Now, back to the actual intro~

**Greg**: The only reason I'm actually writing in a book that says "diary" in a school with a bunch of people who judge books by their covers, is because I could use this as my autobiography. And get out of annoying interviews and stuff. You know, when I'm rich and famous.

~And we cut off Greg's monologue yet again~

**Every single journalist ever**: YAY A RICH AND FAMOUS PERSON WE CAN ANNOYINGLY INTERVIEW!

**Random male journalist #57,289**: Gregory, tell us about your childhood!

**Greg**: Dude. Mike. Get one.

**Random female journalist #83,966**: Did you always get all the ladies? *bats eyelashes*

**Greg**: *taps mike* Here's my journal, now GET OUT.

**yoneld**: What a nice guy.

**Random journalist #98,689**: I KNEW THERE WAS A REASON WE WORSHIP YOU AND THE GROUND YOU WALK ON.

~And another fantasy~

**Greg**: I rule. Also, I have posters all over Times Square.

**Susan**: Our boy is all over Manhattan!

**Frank**: I know, right? I can't believe I ever did anything that he didn't approve of!

~EARTH TO GREG!~

**Greg**: Right. So this wasn't my idea, it was Mom's. She wants me to write down how I feel about starting middle school. But I'm going to be fine.

**yoneld**: Not if you're in Israel, you're not. Now, if you're in Palo Alto, California, you'll be more than fine.

**Greg**: But I'm not in Palo Alto, California or in Israel. I'm in some fictional town somewhere in the States. But I expect to survive. Now, Rowley Jefferson, my bestest friendly-friend… he'll be killed by the end of first period. Let me give you an example:

~I hope this really did happen~

**Rowley**: Geronimo!

**Kindergarteners**/**First graders**: YAY A FIFTH/SIXTH GRADER HAS JOINED US WE ARE BIG KIDS THIS IS AWESOME I WANT SOME PRETZELS.

~Now back to Greg's monologue~

**Greg**: He's basically a five-year-old trapped in an eleven-going-on-twelve-year-old body.

~And he has evidence to back that up~

**Rowley**: I'm still convinced this is actually Santa Claus and not just a random guy at a theme park dressed like Santa.

**Artemis Fowl**: Actually, I believe this is San D'Klass in disguise.

~But this is about Greg, not Rowley~

**Greg**: I'm totally breaking the fourth wall here. I knew they'd make a movie about my life and I know I'm in a movie.

**Entertainment magazines**: YAY THEY MADE A MOVIE ABOUT GREG HEFFLEY'S LIFE.

**Greg**: But why did they have to start at the worst point in my life? Seriously, who would want to watch a movie about some kid in middle school who's stuck with a bunch of moronic imbeciles?

~Everyone has to see the moronic imbeciles!~

**Chris Hosey and Lionel James**: Our names are never given in this version, but WE ARE MORONIC IMBECILES AND PROUD OF IT.

**Greg**: *facepalm* Huh, don't remember saying these lines right now

~And the actual movie begins~

_A/N: I know this is just the intro, but it's actually worth an entire chapter. Don't know how long chapters will be from now on, because I'm barely at home these days. I'll be glad when I get my Kindle Fire. You can write documents on it._

_**Review or you will be stuck in middle school with a bunch of moronic imbeciles.**_


	3. Teh AND ENTER THE FAMILY

_A/N: I know I haven't updated in a month, and I'm sorry about that. I can't be as consistent as iheartmwpp with this, since I've got school and a billion other things and we don't get Sundays off here in Israel. I was also in Elat two weeks ago and I made the mistake of not bringing my laptop with me. If you haven't been to Elat, you should. It's awesome. It's like the Hawaii of Israel – it's separated from the rest of the country and it's the southernmost and hottest area in Israel. Well, Israel doesn't have any islands, but there's a huge desert separating Elat from the rest of Israel. It's so far away from other places that there's even a security checkpoint just outside of the city. I know this sounds ridiculous – after all, there aren't really security checkpoints on American roads – but Israel doesn't get along too well with its neighbors (except maybe Jordan) and it's shaped like a trapezoid, and Elat is right at the vertex, with Jordan on one side and Egypt on the other. Now, Jordan is fine, but Egypt – well, let's just say that the Israel-Egypt relationship has been better._

_I've just finished watching Film Three, and I wasn't too disappointed. I mean, I knew it wouldn't be too true to the book, and after the first two films, I expected it to be just as far from the book, if not more. The movie itself was okay, but it was barely recognizable as "Dog Days". You know, I have a new theory. It's called the Curse of the Third Movies. Basically, any third movie in a book-based series must have most of the book's plot removed and replaced by drawing out whatever they've left and adding stuff that has absolutely nothing to do with the book. They did that with Harry Potter, and I shudder to think what the third Percy Jackson movie will be like. You know, I remember when that book came out when I was eleven. We were just going to Border's (I don't remember why), and when we got in, I thought the world had gone yellow. Once I got over the shock of the store being covered in the same book, I decided to buy it. Oh, and we have a special guest today: my baby sister!_

_Disclaimer__: _I do not own the film/book _Diary of a Wimpy Kid_, or any other film/book in the series, _The Fairly OddParents_, _James Potter_, _Phineas and Ferb_, or my eighth-grade B'ne Aqiva play.

~Our story begins here. Greg is an average boy that no one understands. Mom and Dad and Vicky are always giving him commands – oh wait, that's not it. Every parody, same thing, eh? Ah, well. Greg is an eleven-year-old boy who lives in… where does he live? According to the movie, it's Plainview, but movies can't be trusted~

**Greg**: Zzzzzzzzzzz…

**yoneld**: WOW he used to be so small. *looks at baby sister* Okay, not THAT small, but still small.

**Alarm clock**: Good morning, Greg! I'm pretty sure I'm set to the right time, but why you would want to wake up at seven o'clock in the morning is completely and –

**Greg**: Shut up, you. *hits it*

**Alarm clock**: Violence is never a good solution. *shuts up*

**Greg**: Ew, what did I eat last night? My breath tastes horrible! But how can I be sure the clock is set to the right time?

**yoneld**: You're seriously checking that it's actually morning?

**Greg**: Well, after the prank I just fell for…

**yoneld**: Once, I woke up in the middle of the night and didn't check the window, so I thought it was morning and I started getting dressed for school. But then it turned out to be 12:30 AM, so I went back to sleep, but I still don't check the window when I wake up. Well, sometimes I do, but it's only to see what the weather is like.

**Greg**: Not even when you wake up from a nightmare?

**yoneld**: No, I just check my watch.

**Greg**: Ah yes, but didn't the opening scene just show you that time-telling devices may be unreliable?

**yoneld**: Yes, but I'm talking about a watch. No one would've taken it off my hand in the middle of the night and set it to a random hour.

**Pigeons**: WE AGREE! *chirp*

~Looks like he's convinced that it's the right time~

**Greg**: I have a bad case of pillow hair. *tries to straighten it out and fails miserably*

**yoneld**: That's nothing compared to what MY hair looks like at any given moment. You should be thankful that you have straight hair.

**Greg**: Yeah, yeah, straight hair is awesome, I DON'T CARE.

**Rodrick**: TACKLE! *tackles*

**Greg**: What was – AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!

**Rodrick**: Oh, and BTW, I haven't showered for three days.

**yoneld**: WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH YOU YOU MESSED UP JERK!

**Greg**: *sighs dramatically* There might be less pleasant smells in the world than your armpit, but I am hard-pressed to think of any at the moment.

**Rodrick**: *lets him go*

**Greg**: That was the most horrifying experience in my life and I will never recover from it. *wipes mouth*

**Rodrick**: That was fun. Let's do it again!

**Greg**: No.

**Rodrick**: Please?

**Greg**: No.

**Rodrick**: _Please_? *puppy dog eyes*

**Greg**: I said, NO!

**Rodrick**: You're no fun.

**Greg**: Oh, I'm plenty of fun, but I also have a shred of dignity.

**Rodrick**: Sure. So look. *cleans ear*

**Greg**: Do I want to know what's on that?

**Rodrick**: No. Anyways, Mom asked me to give you some big-brotherly advice.

**Greg**: What? She wants YOU to give ME advice?

**Rodrick**: I know, right? But I've been in the same middle school you're about to start, and apparently Mom and Dad haven't, so it's up to me.

**Greg**: Oh joy.

**Rodrick**: So surviving middle school – it's simple: Don't look at anyone, don't look away from anyone, don't talk to anyone, don't ignore anyone, don't go anywhere, don't stay where you are, don't sit down, don't stand up, don't raise your hand, don't lower your hand, don't go to the bathroom, don't hold it in all day, don't get noticed, don't stay out of the yearbook, don't choose the wrong locker, don't choose the locker that's assigned to you, don't –

**Greg**: This is my trademark frown.

**Rodrick**: This whole fake advice thing is pointless. You'll have at least 187 broken bones, 284 strained muscles, and 867 torn ligaments by the end of the school year. That is, if you're alive.

**Greg**: That bad?

**Rodrick**: Worse.

**yoneld**: Better or worse than the school I went to last year?

**Rodrick**: Depends.

**yoneld**: Do you get flying chairs?

**Rodrick**: That, and more.

**Greg**: I so didn't need to hear that.

**Rodrick**: Well, tough. Also, don't be seen with Rowley and don't be seen without Rowley.

**Greg**: You know what? I'm not going to take you seriously for three reasons: 1. you're not wearing a shirt, 2. you've just been cleaning your ear, and 3. you kept giving me contradicting advice.

~Wow, I completely forgot that transitions in this film used to be abrupt. Thankfully, the Cheese is going to come in soon~

**Greg**: I'm still a bit worried about what Rodrick just told me – YAY TOAST.

**Rodrick**: You do know that's you, right?

**Greg**: I don't follow you.

**Rodrick**: You're toast.

**Greg**: *goes green in the face*

**Manny**: I fink I'm one of ve onwy fwee-yeaw-owds in ve wowd vat awen't potty-twained. And I cowtainwy shoodn't be doing vat whiwe evewyone's eating. Meh, who cawes. Imma fowthow gwoss Bubby out. *fowthow gwosses Bubby out*

**yoneld**: OK, now it's possible to hate him.

**Greg**: OH GOD WHY. MOM! Manny is making weird noises!

**Rodrick**: Thanks for the eggs, bye!

**Greg**: Mom!

**Susan**: I don't have time for this. Frank!

**Frank**: I'm sitting in a weird position. Greg, you were saying?

**Greg**: This guy is totally grossing me out.

**Susan**: That is no way to talk about your father, young man!

**Greg**: I meant Manny!

**Susan**: What's he done now?

**Greg**: Um… do you really think he should be peeing during breakfast, right next to me?

**Susan**: Well, it's your fault that he's still potty-training, so naturally you have to sit right next to him while he's peeing and you're eating breakfast.

**Book readers**: Did we miss something?

~And now we're going to have one of the many flashbacks of the film~

**Greg**: I should've had a red light turned on when I had to brush my teeth while Manny was using the potty/toilet/whatever, but I didn't. That just shows how naïve I am.

**Manny**: I'm using ve actuaw toiwet! I AM SUCH A BIG BOY.

**Greg**: But are you big enough to face… THE POTTY MONSTER?

**Manny**: VE POTTY MONSTOW?

**Greg**: Yes, THE POTTY MONSTER. He doesn't like it when you look down at him.

**Manny**: Being a wogicaw boy, I am now doing ve wogicaw fing and wooking down. And I totawy few fow it. *screams*

**Book readers**: THAT WASN'T GREG! THAT WAS UNCLE JOE! *explode*

~End flashback~

**Greg**: Something is flawed with that logic. And what about the weird noises?

**Susan**: He's only three, he doesn't understand it's wrong to make weird noises!

**Greg**: More like, "I show blatant favoritism towards Manny so I'm just going to ignore it as usual".

**Susan**: Yes, that too. But if you say you're sorry, you won't have to sit next to him anymore.

**Greg**: It's his fault, he fell for it. And anyways, it was a joke.

**Susan**: But you tricked him. Well, enough of that. *kisses him on the head* We don't want to be late for your first day of middle school.

**Greg**: I GIVE YOU MY TRADEMARK FROWN. YOU TOO, MANNY.

**Manny**: Anyfing to annoy you, Bubby.

~Next chapter starts with a deleted scene~

_A/N: Sorry for it being so short, I just don't have too much time these days. Next update might include a longer chapter thanks to Hanukkah. Speaking of Hanukkah, I just love Hanukkah doughnuts. They're powdered, raspberry-filled hole-less doughnuts. *drools*_

_**Review or you will get contradicting advice that will end up being pointless.**_


	4. Teh UNITED HYPOCRITES

_A/N: "So the Palestinians have gotten observer status in the UN. So what? They can't vote for or against any UN resolutions, so it's not like they can actually influence any decisions made in the UN, right? So really it's just symbolical, right?" That was what part of the Israeli press said to try to make people less nervous about the whole Palestine issue. Well, sorry to burst you bubble, but the observer status thingy? That means they can speak in the UN, which can influence people's decisions, and they can go to the International Court at The Hague, so they can press charges against Israel for existing/not recognizing them as a country because we want to exist/any excuse they come up with will be accepted. No, seriously, there's this double standard within the UN where Assad can kill 200 Syrians a day and we can't build in our own areas because it's "occupied territory". There was a caricature a few weeks ago in this newspaper called "Yisra'el HaYom" (Israel Today) where Assad is in the background standing on a pile of dead Syrians and shooting everywhere, and the UN is pointing at him and saying to Bibi Netanyahu (Israel's Prime Minister), "Look, we know he's bad, but at least he's not building in E1!" E1 is this area between Jerusalem and Ma'ale Adumim where apparently we can't build because it'll hurt Palestine's territorial continuity. Well, first of all, Palestine won't even have territorial continuity, because the West Bank is not connected to the Gaza Strip at all. Second of all, Ma'ale Adumim is a Jewish suburb of Jerusalem which will stay in Israel anyway, even if there will be a Palestinian country, so E1 would have to be in Israel. Third of all, it's not going to hurt the territorial continuity within the West Bank, because they'll still have the Jericho area. Apparently, they want East Jerusalem as their capital, but the thing is, even the Arabs in Jerusalem want a united Jerusalem, and the Palestinians' capital is pretty much Ramallah, so that's not a problem either. And if that's not enough, they've got a perfectly good suburb in the southeast called Abu Dis, which they can turn into the capital. They claim that Ramallah won't be connected to Bethlehem, but as I've said, they have the entire Jericho area. It might not be very convenient, but we've had to go around the entire West Bank for 19 years, so I think they can manage that small inconvenience of having to go around E1. This chapter is actually a parody of the current political situation in Israel, because someone other than the Israeli newspaper "Maqor Rishon" (Primary Source) has to do it. And HOLY COW I ALMOST TOOK THE WHOLE PAGE WITH MY RANT HAS THE WORLD REALLY ENDED ON FRIDAY WHAT IS THIS WHERE AM I SOMEONE GET ME A PIZZA QUICK – right. The parody. *starts writing but is distracted by baby sister*_

_Disclaimer_: I don't own _A Very Potter Sequel_ or iheartmwpp.

**Israel**: What a lovely place in between Jerusalem and Ma'ale Adumim. Let's build there!

**PNA**: No.

**Israel**: We can build here, it's our territory!

**PNA**: No, it's ours.

**Israel**: Is not.

**PNA**: Is too!

**Israel**: Is not.

**PNA**: Is too!

**Israel**: How come?

**PNA**: It's part of our country!

**Israel**: What country?

**PNA:** The one we're trying to get!

**Israel:** Well, we offered you one 65 years ago and you didn't want it, so how come now you do?

**PNA**: DON'T QUESTION US. JUST SHADDUP AND GIVE US A COUNTRY.

**Israel**: No.

**PNA:** You can't build there, it's our territory!

**Israel**: No, it's ours.

**PNA**: Is not!

**Israel**: Is too.

**PNA**: Is not!

**Israel**: Is too.

**PNA**: How come?

**Israel**: We live there and stuff.

**PNA**: But it's part of our country!

**Israel**: We're sorry, but you guys don't _have_ a country. We thought we've established that.

**PNA**: You've established that, we haven't!

**Israel**: That's nice for you.

**PNA**: No, it's not!

**Israel**: We gave you every single one of your cities/towns/villages/wherever else you may live in within the West Bank and Gaza and even some of ours! Why do you keep asking for what we kept? You don't even live there! Well, other than in East Jerusalem, but the Arabs who live there want it to stay here! AND we give you water, food, electricity, and other supplies because we're nice!

**PNA**: We can't have an army!

**Israel**: You're training one anyways, so SHADDUP.

**UN**: WHAT THE DEVIL IS GOING ON HERE?

**PNA**: They're building in E1!

**Israel**: They're trying to get more than what we've generously given them!

**UN**: GASP! You're causing the Palestinians minor inconveniences, even though they've been causing you major inconveniences for several decades and more? I thought you guys have abided to our law!

**Israel**: Yes…

**UN**: Didn't you see that it says in the UN Charter, Chapter IV, Article 9, Subsection 1, "Thou shall not cause any inconveniences, minor as they may be, to the people who hate you with the burning passion of a thousand suns"?

**Israel**: Actually, it says, "The General Assembly shall consist of all the Members of the United Nations."

**yoneld**: I've actually looked it up.

**UN**: WE DON'T CARE. No causing inconveniences for the Palestinians!

**Israel**: So…

**UN**: Yes.

**Israel**: You're saying…

**UN**: Yes.

**Israel**: That we should…

**UN**: Yes.

**Israel**: BUILD IN E1!

**UN**: Yes – wait no.

**Israel**: Yay! *build in E1*

**UN**: WE CONDEMN THIS ACTION!

**PNA**: WE'LL GET YOU FOR THAT!

**Israel**: Um schmum, and you guys always find an excuse to get us anyways, so we don't care. *keep building in E1*

_A/N: So yeah, that's pretty much what's going on. At least we can make fun of it. The thing is, the UN is always against Israel. Someone I know says that the entire purpose of the UN is to condemn Israel. They should change it from UN to NUAI – Nations United Against Israel. That, or UH – United Hypocrites. And Um schmum is a Hebrew expression that basically says "screw the UN". I'll explain how that works. The UN in Hebrew is Um – Umot Meuhadot. You know how you put the schm- prefix in front of things that you don't like or you want to say "screw that" in a gentler way? So we use it in Hebrew too. It was first used by our first Prime Minister, David Ben-Gurion._

_**Review or the UN will condemn you.**_


	5. Teh HOW ABOUT I WALK YOU IN

_A/N: Hey guys! I'm back after… how long has it been? *checks on FF* Wow, only one month? Seems like a lot longer… I don't know, maybe it's just because I took an awesome trip to Barcelona last week. I have no idea how it happened, but a couple days after I came back, I caught some virus (maybe 24-hour flu) and pretty much slept through last Saturday. Seriously, I went to sleep at like 10:00 Friday night, and woke up 6:00 Saturday evening. I still can't believe I slept through eighteen hours straight. You know what else I can't believe? That I slept through an entire four-hour flight from Munich to Tel Aviv. BTW, I do not recommend traveling in winter. My flight from Barcelona to Munich was delayed because Lufthansa had no aircrafts (guess what happened to them) – not complaining about that, though, at least I got to see Montjuïc at night. Anyways, at Munich Airport, they have a separate concourse for flights to/from Israel. We arrived early at the airport, because we thought it would take forever to get through check-in, security, and more security. We didn't have to drop off our luggage because Lufthansa sent it straight to Israel from Barcelona (we weren't staying the night). So anyways, they have a separate concourse for flights to Israel, so we had to walk all the way from the entrance to the concourse, which would normally be okay, I don't mind walking, but it was outdoors and a long way, so we had to walk for what seemed like miles in the snow (maybe that's how I got fever), but then we found out they weren't checking in yet, so we couldn't go in the concourse (our flight was the only one to Israel that day) or wait outside, so we had to go all the way back to the entrance. In the cold and the snow – oh, give me a break, I'm not used to snow! In Israel, it usually snows only in Jerusalem and in Mount Hermon, and I don't live in either of these places! Last time it snowed in Haifa was in the nineties! And even though it snowed all over the entire country in the beginning of January, and it looks like it's going to start snowing again now, the snow somehow managed to skip the entire Haifa District. We only got tons of rain and light hail. ANYWAYS! So yeah, we had to wait at the entrance for like an hour until we could check in, and then, when we finally got to the concourse, the security was, of course, completely overblown. But at least it was all in one place. But then it turned out we weren't at the actual gate. A bus picked us up from the waiting area to the actual gate, which was in the middle of the tarmac. Seriously, it was just a bunch of random escalators and sleeves in the middle of the tarmac. It was very weird. And snowy. Why do I always write ridiculously long author's notes._

_The soon-to-be home of all of my parodies (which is not much) is at yonataneldar dot wordpress dot com._

_Disclaimer_: I do not own anything from the film/book _Diary of a Wimpy Kid_ or any other film or book in the series, or _Harry Potter_.

~Yay deleted scenes! I love how every deleted scene starts with the beginning of that scene being taped to the diary - ~

**Greg**: It's not a diary, it's a journal!

~Okay, fine, journal, and then peeling off and zooming in… yeah, Imma just parody it for you guys~

**Noticeboard**: *is obviously trying desperately to make the school slightly appeal to its students. Nice try, guys*

**Greg's evil voiceover of DOOOOOOOOOOOOM!**: After having my head dunked into the toilet by Rodrick, my video games destroyed by Manny, and most of my Twisted Wizard action figures blown up on Dad's Civil War reenactment thingy, I was even ready to take on middle school. I was actually kind of excited about going to school.

**Every single schoolchild in the world**: *explodes*

**yoneld**: Oh, give him a break, it's his first day!

**Everyone yoneld knows**: Wait… did you just say it's acceptable for someone to be excited about going to school? Are we sure the world didn't end in December?

**yoneld**: Yep, pretty sure. *looks around room* Well, at least my room is still messy. If anything, it just got messier. And I'm not saying it's acceptable to be excited about going to school in general, just that it's barely acceptable to be excited on the first day of a school year, and slightly more acceptable if you're starting a new school.

**Everyone yoneld knows**: *sighs with relief*

**Greg's evil voiceover of DOOOOOOOOOOOOM!**: Hem, hem.

**yoneld**: Last time I checked, there were no toads in this franchise, especially not horrible pink control freak toads.

**Greg's evil voiceover of DOOOOOOOOOOOOM!**: I mean… *looks out of window and sees kids pushing each other around, several of them breaking most of their bones* What could possibly go wrong?

**Book readers (and every single middle- or high-school student ever)**: *explode*

**yoneld**: Famous last words.

**Greg**: Are you always that cynical?

**yoneld**: Depends on my mood. Besides, everyone's a cynic.

**Greg**: True.

**Susan**: Is my little Greggy afraid of middle school? Does he need his mommy to walk him in?

**Greg**: Why are you talking to me like I'm five?

**Susan**: That's your age, isn't it?

**Greg**: No, I'm eleven. Assuming this is happening in 2011, you should know that since I was born in 2000, and this is a _middle school_, that I'm eleven, not five. Do I look five to you?

**Susan**: No.

**Greg**: So there. And to answer your question, uh, no?

**Susan**: You don't sound sure.

**Greg**: No, I'm sure. *stares out of the window while everything around him explodes*

**Susan**: Are you gonna go out?

**yoneld**: I managed to pause this to make it look like Greg's laughing.

**Greg**: Duh! *keeps staring*

~Ten years later~

**yoneld**: So much for going out.

**Greg**: Shut up, I'm just taking my time! I don't want to be one of those freaks who show up early!

**Every single student of Westmore Middle School**: *is there*

**yoneld**: Oh, so you _do _want to be late on your first day of middle school!

**Greg**: What? No!

**yoneld**: It's fine, I'm almost always late.

**Susan**: Hem, hem.

**yoneld**: WHY MUST YOU HAUNT ME IN OTHER FRANCHISES.

**Susan**: Earth to Greg!

**Greg**: Huh? What?

**Susan**: You've been staring for several years.

**Greg**: Oh no! How old am I now?

**Susan**: You're forgetting that this is a parody, and nobody ages unless they do in the movie. So you might be ten seconds older than before you started staring.

**Greg**: Whew.

**Susan**: My motherly instincts tell me that you do want to be walked in.

**Greg**: Your motherly instincts also told you that I was five. So no, I do _not_ want to be walked in. I'll be laughed at.

**Susan**: Oh, fine. But don't keep staring or I _will_ walk you in.

**Greg**: Okay, okay! *gets out*

**Susan**: *looks like an actual mother who's sending off her son with mixed feelings. Even though Rodrick has already been through middle school*

**Greg**: Yay, a new year at a new school! I might make new friends, and be top of my class, and –

**Susan**: I must make a last attempt at embarrassing my son!

**Greg**: Please don't.

**Susan**: Imma do it anyways. *honks*

**Everyone**: STARE.

**Susan**: HAVE A NICE YEAR, HONEY BUNCHES!

**Everyone**: *laughs and whistles and calls him a Mommy's boy. Kids are so mean sometimes*

**Greg**: *goes in before he can be mutilated horribly, leaving everyone who doesn't have the movie on DVD or Blu-Ray to wonder why Greg is suddenly so curt. Whose idea was it to include the sixth grade in middle school?*

~D'aww, it's so heartwarming to see kids starting middle school – wait, did they just say _middle school?_~

_A/N: Sorry for the shortness, but it's like 11:30PM here in Israel and I'm really tired. I don't think I can think of more ideas other than the book readers exploding._

_**Review or you will be embarrassed in public by someone very close to you. Oh yeah, I went there.**_


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